It’s been a couple of weeks since I last updated my blog mainly because I’m tired, and to be honest a bit run down. I’ve got under a blanket a couple of times with the intention of writing a new blog, but each time have ended up snoozing or succumbing to the Curb Your Enthusiasm boxset instead. I started to wonder yesterday if this makes me lazy, and I ran through my day in my head and realised how much exercise I had done just by maintaining Thurston all day.
Thurston isn’t particularly heavy, in fact he is on the 0.4th centile on all the growth charts, but there isn’t any element of his day that I don’t have to physically help him with. I pick him up over the stair gate in the morning, carry him downstairs, lift him to change his nappy, dress him, lay him down to drink his formula, put his shoes and coat on him, pick him up and put him in the buggy, push the buggy 30 minutes to nursery, lift him out, take his coat off, walk 30 minutes back again, lift him to put him in the car seat, lift him into his booster seat at the table, carry him up the stairs to bed, and then get up and down (or sometimes just up!) all night with him. It was only this week when I’ve been feeling tired that I realised that usually by the age of 2, I wouldn’t be doing 90% of these tasks for him anymore. It actually is quite physically tiring.
My first feelings were a bit despairing. If I’m this cream-crackered by lugging him around now, what will it feel like next year or the year after if he is still delayed developmentally? I can’t really expect my husband to take the brunt because he’s still recovering from his spinal surgery and I don’t want to risk him having any complications. I’m really not in the mood to nurse him back to health yet again!! I’ve just had to purchase Thurston a new 3-wheeler, pneumatic tyre pushchair because even the tired old buggy was feeling the strain. I’m a pretty tiny person, (4ft11in, very tiny) and so carrying Thurston at 3 years and 10 months is definitely getting tricky. When we are out and about, on the beach, or at the zoo, or even the school run, if he is walking I also have to keep up quite a speed so I can grab him at any moment so that he doesn’t head into the sea or walk out in front of a car. He doesn’t have the slightest sense of danger and so I have to provide that for him and be his protective bubble, which leaves little time for slumping on a bench drinking an iced tea. Thurston even loves to reinact dramatic moments for his own amusement which means that if he was to fall over, he would then throw himself to the ground several more times afterwards to relive it. I think it has something to do with sensory feedback but really it’s just another thing that scares me half to death every day!! There is more cardio and stretching at home too, where as well as the usual tasks, I can often be found underneath the sofa looking for lost dummies or removing the sofa covers and washing them because Thurston has wiped marmite sandwich all over them.
The second thing that came to mind was a feeling of outrage that I’m not slim and toned. Given the amount of lifting, stretching, walking and reaching down the back of the washing machine for missing toy cars I do on a daily basis, I ought to be a lot slimmer than I am. We eat pretty healthily as a family, I love cooking and cookbooks and cookery TV shows. I seem to gravitate towards anything gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan etc despite neither having allergies or being a vegetarian. So I definitely am clued up on food, yet there is a good stone and a half that just *will not* shift. It seems so unreasonable. I don’t even drink alcohol and I’ve completely given up chocolate, I’m such a goody-two-shoes! Yet, I don’t think you’d know it to look at me. Given my outrage, my 1st port of call was unsurprisingly Google, where I found some interesting scientific research about how sleep deprivation can cause your body to retain fat stores to use as energy. I’m fairly certain this explains it! The only problem is, there doesn’t seem to be a great deal I can do about it. This week alone, Thurston and I have pulled 2 all-nighters, and all the other nights, I have got up to see to him between 5-6 times. I seem to be caught in a viscious cycle; if I decrease the amount of food I eat, I will not be able to function. Yet, if I don’t change the way I eat, I am destined to stay apple shaped (at best!) until Thurston sleeps through, which at the moment feels like lightyears away.
In this situation, I have had to have a little word with myself and decided that I am going to stay as I am. I know I am eating well and that all of our meals are balanced and nutritious. I talk a lot about acceptance and loving people for being lovely people, so I need to try my best to direct some of that at myself. I’m not giving myself free-reign to scoff Kettle Chips and Ben & Jerry’s, but I think I am going to continue as I am with my home cooking, salads, fresh pasta and vegan muffins and just accept that this is the shape I am for now. If I was to be living on no sleep whilst drinking Slimfast instead of eating dinner, I’m not convinced my family would enjoy my grumpy company! Today I returned a small stash of Topshop purchases that had been sat in my bedroom with the tags on because I’d foolishly bought things to slim down to. I’ve got a nice giftcard now and I’m going to make sure I spend it on things I can actually wear. Right now. If I try and dress for my current shape, maybe I’ll be a bit happier in myself which will be beneficial to everybody!!
I’ve realised that while Thurston does a great job of keeping me fit and active, he does an even more amazing job of wearing me out to the point where I can’t remember my purse when I go shopping, or I smash my iPhone rushing to help him, and he seems to delight in keeping me up all night afterwards to recite entire episodes of Peppa Pig, including very enthusaistic snorting!
Thanks for reading